Austin Shitty Limits

It's a Saturday night, I've eaten dinner at a reasonable time, and I've got nothing better to do than lay in bed and put off showering. THUS, I will explain to you what is ruining my weekend. You might think it's the fact that my little brother is in town and he is way too cool for me, or that my right ear hasn't popped in 3 days so I'm fairly certain it's going to implode.. but  no. I actually couldn't care less about those things because I know Zane is just a big Yu-Gi-Oh fan as me so he can't be cooler than me, and I pierced my ear with a safety pin in 7th grade and let it get super infected, so obviously i have no respect for my ears.

ACL is annoying me.  I'm just not into it. I'm sorry if you are and you're into bands that only get famous by their songs being played in car or cell phone commercials and you love being surrounded by thousands of people who think "the early Coldplay stuff is was better".  I don't appreciate you shutting down my traffic system, flooding my streets and restaurants with your frayed jean shorts and rain boots, and causing me to have to explain to my mom how ACL is different from Warped Tour (They're basically the same thing, just one fan base shops SOLELY at Hot Topic while the other shops SOLELY at Urban Outfitters).  And I want you to all understand when I ask how ACL was, I actually mean "Oh you listen to shitty music, conversation terminated". Whenever I see ACL I think of ALC (Alternative Learning Center).  It's the place they sent all those kids who fucked up too much in High School so instead of more detention they made them wear uniforms and create stories of juvenile'esque nature.... which I guess when you think of it, all the kids who went to ALC for fighting or doing drugs or trying to phone camera film their teacher peeing, were just being rebellious and struggling for a way to express themselves.  Then they found really odd trippy dull-hearted music and weed and the ability to wear whatever they want because their parents aren't around to see them leave the house.... then they go to ACL to watch all those bands that come pre-loaded on a Zune when you buy it from Target. SO IN SOME WEIRD CYCLICAL WAY... ALC spawns ACL. So thanks a lot Texas Public School System. Now, because you let kids get away with not dressing out for P.E. I have to suffer through one whole weekend every year where everyone parks illegally and brags about knowing every word to every Kanye song and constantly asks me "where's the best place to eat" is... Denny's... The best place to eat is Denny's. They have literally everything, there is a crane game up front, and the food is cheap enough for all you douches who are STARVING but only go out with 4 dollars and some change in your pocket. Grow up and get a bank account you dick.

SIDENOTE: Has no one ever tried pitching the idea to Kanye West that he should make is own alcoholic beverage called Kaynac, (instead of Cognac ((or Brandy for all you underage drinkers who've only ever had Bud Light and Svedka))) because I feel like I could make millions if I went half in with him on that idea.

Bottom line is if you're going to ACL then keep it to yourself and stop parking in my street. ALSO, be sure you go see Alison Krauss

^^Music to get laid too.

I'm backghdad...

It's been a minute... my bad you guys.  But the new school year is back around so I have an excuse to get on here and let you guys know what I think of you all. I'm not going to recap my summer... It happened, it's over with, I have mixed emotions about it.

Let's start off on the right foot... Terrorism.  It's about to be the 10 year anniversary of the largest catalyst for patriotism in our nations history.  This Sunday thousands will gather and post pictures online of flags, firefighters, and their stories of where they were when the towers collapsed. (Heads up, I was in 5th grade reading Tikta'Liktak: An Inuit-Eskimo Legend. I failed the chapter reading quiz that morning).  This has sparked everyone's interest of "How has America changed since 9/11?".  To be honest, you're all a bit more racist.  I had a girl in my class American Dilemmas class tell us how she's basically scared of anyone wearing boots on an airplane, and that none of us take into consideration that (according to her) "85% of people on a plane have had at least one terroristic thought in their lifetime"... GUILTY! When I was in 3rd grade I wanted to blow up my teacher for taking away my pokemon cards till the end of the day because they were distracting me from the lazer disk presentation.  My bad, someone call Al Qaeda and tell them I'm an O.G. member.  None of us should really be that worried about people from the middle east.  They don't look suspicious, they just look uncomfortable.  Imagine how pissed you would look if you couldn't wear gym shorts and a sweatshirt on a plane?!
September 11th just gave Toby Keith an excuse to write more songs about his dad, America, and how we're gonna 'kick some jihad ass'.  Someone should tell him David Alan Coe has that covered so he can go back to singing about "how do you like me now?!" .... here's a hint, we don't.  So everyone who is still hung up on covering up their ignorance with 'patriotism', just know that we are all going to die someday.  Stop worrying about that dude with the beard and goofy scarf on next to you, and start worrying about what really matters in life... Pizza and Dogs.

You want a real 9/11 story? Watch this:
THIS DUDE SURVIVED 9/11

Keep your chin up America.

It's been a while...

So I haven't posted in a while. I KNOW! I'm a shitty blogger.  But then I remember I  don't owe you guys anything and I feel a little better.  School is coming to an end and it's just in time.  I can not stand pretending like I care about grades. Its funny when people bitch saying "I've never gotten a B in a class!" because neither have I... but under different circumstances.  And I don't see the point of teacher evaluations.  It doesn't really need to be 'anonymous' because all my professors by now have figured out if I love them or hate them.  Finals suck, but studying sucks more.  I just can't bring myself to look in a book when I could just as easily ride my bike around in the awesome weather.  You guys all play bookworm, I'll be making French Toast and drawing weiners on my coffee table.

Last weekend I was confront by a drunk group of bachelor party bros.... Seriously, that mentality is insane.  How on earth did bachelor party traditions start?  "Oh hey, you're getting married tomorrow and living the rest of your life in love? Let's fuck that up real quick before it's too late".  You start off by getting hammered drunk. (Nothing has ever gone wrong there).  Then you head to a strip club.  Why spend hundreds of dollars on something that in 24 hours you're going to get every night? And yes, I will have my wife dance for me whenever I want. That's part of my pre-nup.  I don't care how shitty your day at work was, you're putting on the lynard skynard crop top and hiking boots and throwing down to a David Banner CD while I eat pizza on the couch.  I'm stronger than you, you have to do it.  Plus strip clubs are an overall waste of money. I've got the internet, vitamin water, a stereo, and a light switch.  I don't need to pay a cover charge.  THE ONLY TIME I will ever go to a strip club is if there is an all you can eat buffet.  I can bare seeing C-section scars and muffin top belly button peircings for unlimited chicken nuggets.  But then you insist on getting someone to come back and have sex with you.  Your 'boys' pay bunches more money to get you a 25 minute blow job while they all stand outside the door and play beer pong.  I'm going to start a service where I take out ladies on the night of their fiances bachelor party and we see a movie and have a nice dinner then take a walk in the park.  I get a free meal AND I get to know I've ruined someones marriage via being better by comparison.

Just some points before I go:
- My band is going on tour for like 2 and a half weeks next week.  You should like us on FB, and buy our merch off of big cartel, or even send us money so we can eat on tour.  Please and Thank you!

- I'm still accepting CD's, so if you wanna send me that space jam soundtrack or a compilation of all the Bill Nye Science Parody Songs, I'm all ears.

-If you're reading this and you are my pen pal from Louisiana who sent me the CD and we wrote a couple letters back and forth and you just stopped.... what the fuck. Why you gotta leave me hangin?

-Finally, here are some conversations my bestie Andrew and I have. I know you probably enjoy our banter than anything else you text your friends, so here you go.

Found it. 

Mericuh. 

Marshall Marshall Marshall!!!

Would you rather have glow in the dark veins or constantly have red smoke leak from your nose?  Some of you might go smoke on this one because you're inconsiderate of those who have asthma or might be deathly afraid of smoke bombs.  Sadly for you, I don't agree with your petty ways.  I decided to go with glow in the dark veins. There are so many plus sides!  You will be the biggest hit at any black light party which in turn leads you to get to control the ipod because no one wants to contest the coolest dude in the room over what S Club 7 song to play.  Also, you never have to worry about turning on the light when you have to pee at night. I mean sure, people might get a little annoyed in a movie theater, but who cares! Every time you go to lazer quest you're sure to get the high score AND chances are you will piss off the stupid "Marshall" that you gotta call when your gun starts messing up.  Besides, it would be cool to have a bodily function that isn't embarrassing to find on your hands under a black light...

This past weekend was Easter Weekend (fakest holiday every).  I'm a huge fan of candy, but every thing else is just ridiculous.  Don't tell me I can't eat meat on friday... I love pizza flavored hot pockets and chicken nuggets.  You're not keeping me from them because some guy got caught doing witchcraft and had to be punished.  Then all weekend every TV channel is take over by recaps of biblical eras.  WAS IT REALLY THAT BAD?! Man dies and gets tossed in a cave for three days then gets worship for eternity? Not so bad.  I know people who've done a couple months in jail just to get out and realize everyone still hates them.  And where did the bunnies carrying eggs thing come in?  It doesn't make sense.  How could a rabbit carry a basket 5 times it's size?  And rabbits are mammals, so sorry kids, but they produce other rabbits, not eggs.  Flawed logic.  If I had easter my way, everyone would get visited by a sea lion who delivers one bowl of your favorite cereal.  And then instead of going to church, we would all meet up for bowling and pizza.  And instead of not eating meat on Friday, you had to participate in one organized sport.  Because lets face it, everyones life would be better if we all played street hockey.  

I had to work at Chuys over the weekend so I can pay for tour.  Sorry if your parents give you guys money for easter or just as an allowance, but my mom hates me and I'm forced to serve people shitty mexican food to put gas in my tank.  Also, sorry if you ordered anything off the menu from me and wanted your kind of fish in it, but I lied.  Everyone that asked me for "grilled tilapia" or the "fried bass"... you got catfish. Old, freezer burnt cat fish.  And you probably tipped me for it too.

Some lady tipped me in the word of the lord. She told me just as she pulled away from the To-Go parking spot "It's not too late to find christ!".... Little does she know I already found christ, and I left him with my homosexual young life leader back in 8th grade.  Go shove your religion down someone else's throat, I'll be in hell with Rasputin. 

God Awful

Have you ever watched the show Time Warp? It's perfect.  Seriously, genius.  The concept encompasses every bit of your imagination.  I couldn't even begin to tell you how many times a day I see things happen then think to myself "I wanna see that at 200 frames per second".  Just think, if you could  watch a squirrel destroy an acorn, up close, in super slow motion. THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!  I always want to watch people fall down in super slow-mo also.  YOU KNOW people's faces give the funniest looks in the split second it take them to realize 'oh shit, there's not a step there' then scramble to brace themselves.  AND ITS A DOUBLE WIN if they break a bone in slow-mo.  I'd also like to see people who try to dodge a bee that's flying next to their face really slow motion.... actually, that one doesn't have to be slow-mo, I just really like watching people dodge and freak out due to insects.  Let's be honest people, it's a bee. It might sting, it might hurt, but you won't die. People go to war.  And if you're one of 'those people' who bitches about being deathly allergic to bee stings, I got two words for you: NATURAL SELECTION.

The other day my friends and I attended our first ever Roller Derby (and coincidentally our first ever Parkour Exposition).  It was pretty neat.  Some of the chicks are actually not bulldozers and are kinda cute, but in the end  I'm sure they're almost all playing for the other team.  Even tho I didn't know the rules, I still enjoyed hootin and hollerin about falling down and hair pulling.  PLUS I got a super yummy hot dog with Sauer Kraut and mustard.  It was delicious. OH! And I got a thunder stick. Needless to say, my friends and I know how to cause some ruckus. AND we know how to be pretty disrespectful since I'm 95% sure we moved our chairs to the wheelchair section and cut off the movie from the less than able bodied people... once again, Natural Selection.

The first bout was between the Texecutioners and the Cincinnati Black Sheeps.  Needless to say the Texexcutioners killed by over 100 points.  The second bout was between the Ramonas and the Heathers.  Even tho the Ramonas won, I'm still team Heather all the way ;-)

Sidenote: Whole Foods Market now offers Private Abortions.  I'm not sure if you buy abortion by the pound or in bulk, but I'm pretty sure if you tear out a coupon you can buy one get one free.  Be sure to shake well before using it, then refrigerate afterwards... you wouldn't want you abortion to spoil...

Who coined the term God Awful?  More importantly, why do people at my Catholic University who buy into that religious nonsense use the term?  I mean, break that term down for a second... God-Awful.  I motion that we only say Zach Awful from now on.  Lets see how well that catches on. You might say it because you see me as god, but I'm just convinced I'm awful.  

Get Busy...

Anyone ever heard of Ryan Francis Henriques? Exactly. You haven't. Except.. you have.  He has made major contributions to the musical community worldwide, including donations to less fortunate areas to fund local arts programs, hosting free concerts that tens of thousands attend in order to raise awareness about major medical issues, and even promotes the growth of positive political relations between the U.S. and touristic destinations such as Haiti, the Caribbean, and Jamaica.  Believe it or not, you've probably all shared an awkward 8th grade dance to one or more of his songs. If you're not aware of the trials and tribulations of this great man, you better hookup your ipod, get on your torrent download sites, and get busy 


Yesterday I was at in the library at my school. Yes, I said THE library... I don't go to some giant mega university with 4-5 libraries that all breakdown by majors and historians and whatnot... My school has ONE library, and it has been gunman free all year so I think we win.  As I'm leaving, I notice that they have a large section of book racks labeled "FREE BOOKS!"  and I become intrigued.  FREE SHIT RULES!  I'm bumming through the selection and it's mostly shitty accounts of old business programs and books on theater and costumes that have never been checked out.  A girl next to me managed to snag a book entitled "The History of Black Actors" and I became SUPER JEALOUS!! Until I got to flip through it with her and realize it stopped at like the 1960's, so I settled down. Anything claiming to be about BLACK ACTORS and not even mention the DMW Powerhouse is fucking bullshit. (Denzel, Morgan, and Will).  BUT! I managed to grab two pretty neat pieces of library history.  One was a Clint Eastwood movie.  Haven't seen anything of his except Gran Torino, but if all of his movies are anything like that, I'm in!

I also found this super weird/creepy book.  It doesn't have a title, just a skull and crossbones on the front.  The whole book just has cartoon drawings of 'death' coming to reap the souls of different people accompanied by a little caption on the left page. It doesn't make much sense, but I'm convinced it's cursed.  After checking it out this morning, I got in the shower and got soap in my eyes.

Death and the Swooning Maiden
"Poor Girl! I wonder what frightened her!"

I gotta get back to booking this tour and studying.  School is coming at me fast and I gotta get prepped for all the crazy things I got going on out of the books.  Stay in school kids!  If you wanna give me a CD, find me in person tomorrow. I'll be at Riverfest down in San Marcos seeing the Yin Yang Twinz.   BYE!!....ay ay ya ya ya.

Dreamcatcher

So I've recently acquired a dreamcatcher.  It's from Kansas and it's hanging above my bed. I could just as easily take a picture of it and post it, but that takes the fun away from describing it.  It's got a sweet wolf woven into the main part, with a sweet arrangement of blue and white beads all around it. Then it's got three strands hanging down made of leather (I think?) and entwined are feathers.  All you need to know is it's having a weird affect.  It's not catching my dreams at all, but instead giving me very vivid ones that I can remember.  For instance, one of the dreams (to sum it up) I was walking around my apartment complex then my friend got in a fight so I let him  run off and hide from the police, then as everyone in my complex came out side to watch the police raid, I stole all  their phones and ipods that they left sitting around. Then when I went to go back to my apartment these mobsters stopped me and shot me in the head (then I woke up).   ANOTHER dream I had, I was at a beach house with some friends and they all left to go somewhere that wasn't the beach, then I ran  into Mariah Carey  taking a shower at one of those washing stations on the beach, and the paparazzi came and she got mad at me for drawing attention to her, so I went back to the beach house and Kenny Chesney showed up and we watched this insanely horrific thunder storm head right for us over the water.  It was black and purple skies, lightning touching down all around, ear piercing thunder, and tornadoes ramped. Right as  it reached the beach house, I woke up.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!


I have a new addiction.  It's called Craigslist, and I'm hooked on selling.  So far I've made 100 bucks in a day and I'm looking to make atleast 200 more by the end of the week. YOU CAN SELL ANYTHING! People are always down to buy shit. It's insane.  I hope it doesn't get too bad though. It it possible to actually have that as a problem?  Like, I start selling all the appliances in my apartment that aren't mine (like the fridge that came installed in here).  Then I try selling petty shit like toilet paper and magazines and cases of water bottles. Then I move onto selling my puppy and my roommates shoes.  SOMEONE PLEASE JUST GIVE ME YOUR MONEY SO I'M NOT DESPERATE ENOUGH TO SELL THE BOBBLEHEADS OFF OF MY DASH!!!! I need money because my band is going on tour for 2 weeks in May and the more money I leave with the more I get to eat and knick knacks I get to buy.  Like, cool memorable big knick knacks like a new guitar from a guy in cincinatti or a sweet stuffed bears head in chicago. Ya know, thing's I can't steal in my pants.

This weekend has been chill. Went back to Houston for thursday and friday, worked a bit, saw friends and my mom.  Took promo pics for the band... in a sewer... while i was wearing flip flops.  Once we get them back I'll show you guys how it went.  Needless to say I'm not as photogenic as my bandmates.  Something about my tiny forhead or the fact i never fully open my eyes makes me just come off as a cereal killer skinhead.... except I can't clean up my own dishes, let alone after I brutally murder a foreigner.  And last night I came back to Austin where I had a fun evening playing ball tag throughout my apartment with some friends and going out to eat at Genghis Grill with YOU. [You know who are you :]

This is my puppy Richard. He falls asleep while sitting up. 

This is a girl biker gang I passed on the highway. They wear pink vests that say GLOW.... what does it mean!?